A lot of the time we get married, have children, and are essentially labeled as "wife" or "mother". We have a tendency to lose ourselves in these titles and forget who were were before we got married to the military. To put it bluntly, the Army is my husband's wife, I'm just his mistress. I come second, and that's a big pill to swallow. Once you realize this, you will know that you always come second. That's not his fault, nor the military's, it is just what is expected.
But let's get into something that can make life a bit easier. Take time to find a hobby that is good for you. I've dabbled in photography (not my thing, but I do enjoy having beautiful pictures, so I'm glad I took advantage of it), scrapbooks (I enjoy making books for my family, individual and as a whole), exercise (not for me, either :) ). I found my niche. I enjoy socializing, being a butterfly fluttering around and talking to people is my forte. So I go to poker tournaments that are offered for free here via the MWR. It mostly consists of elderly men and women with whom I've gotten involved with. They truly are the highlight of my week.
I get out twice a week, sans children and husband, and get to be just me! It's a couple of hours, and it helps keep my sanity and therefore my family's sanity. I get time to regroup and remember who I was before I had children. I get the chance to really relax and enjoy time spent by myself.
I find that making an agreement with your spouse for both of you to get time away from the kids and each other is pertinent. Our marriage is stronger because we have the chance to just get away. I am not saying that spouses should be going to bars and/or clubs, but get a chance to just get away and have time to miss each other a little bit.
That being said, I also think that if a spouse wants to go to the bar with some friends, you should set up some rules. My husband and I have rules that work for us. If the husband is going to a bar with his pals, and he plans on drinking, he is NOT driving, no matter if he's only have a couple of beers. Safety is a priority in our household. He must go to a bar nearby in case I have to pick them up because they've had too much to drink. And he goes with people I know and trust to not cause drama while they're enjoying themselves. Going to the bar doesn't have to consist of booze and dancing with people. It could consist of just a few games of billiards, or even just karaoke. Lay down guidelines you both must live by, and be fair, he is going to enjoy himself.
If you show your spouse you trust them, and vice-versa, things go smoother together and apart. Also, when you both come to an agreement for each of you to weekly get out of the house, stick to it. Of course things happen that can prevent one from going to their "happy place" but when you do get the chance to go there, go where you say you're going, have your phone on you in case of emergencies, and do not lie. Keep the agreement. Don't say you're going for 1 game of Bunco then stay for 3 and your spouse is left home with the kids longer than expected. That's not fair to him and you wouldn't want him to do that to you.
Keep in mind, while you're out, he's dealing with what you normally do on a daily basis. That being said, you deal with it daily, therefore you have traditional coping methods while your spouse may not. Remember they may get frustrated more easily and help by getting the family settled before you go. Make the transition easier for the both of you so everyone can enjoy their evenings.
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